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Friday, 5 May 2017

Editorial: 4 More Things I Definitely Won't Be Reviewing.


Editorial: 4 More Things I Definitely Won't Be Reviewing.


A while back, I did four things I definitely won't be reviewing, and wondered whether it could be a regular feature.

Apparently it can! Here are four more things you probably won't find reviews of on this blog any time soon.


Shelter.

Shelter was the source of some controversy earlier this year: A six minute short film animated by A-1 Pictures and accompanying a song by American DJ Porter Robinson and French DJ Madeon, it caused people to ask what, technically, constitutes anime.

After all, Shelter was originally conceived by an American and a Frenchman, so, perhaps it should be called a cartoon (or a dessin anime) -- but it was animated by a Japanese company, so doesn't that make it an anime? It's effectively a six minute long music video, so can it really be called an anime, when we don't call live-action music videos 'films' ?

It was a big, passionate discussion on the technical boundaries of a term, and it was boring. So boring. Too boring to warrant me willingly sitting through a six minute video animated by the Ubisoft of anime. Next.


Passengers.

Passengers is a 2016 science fiction film, starring once-audience-darling-but-then-she-made-a-string-of-racist-comments Jennifer Lawrence, and current-audience-darling-but-in-the-process-of-making-a-string-of-racist-comments Chris Pratt, in a combination that many critics described as 'at cinemas.'

Like Shelter, the film garnered some controversy, but unlike Shelter, that controversy was actually interesting: It revolved around how the story presented the actions of Chris Pratt's character -- dooming a woman to a life of only having him as her sole human connection because he was lonely and thought she was attractive, and then lying to her -- as morally, ethically, and practically correct, despite the fact that cult horror films have been built on less creepy premises.

It's just -- wow, I could not care any less about this film if I tried, you know? From the first trailer to release, I have just been completely apathetic about it and everything it stands for, and while there's definitely a lot to talk about in terms of how bafflingly creepy Pratt's character is, I just can't sit through an hour and a half film.


The Expanse.

The Expanse was touted to me as a canny, political space opera, praised to high heavens by author-and-fan-darling George R.R. Martin, and trying to fill the vacuum left by the near total absence of space operas on television.

I got about one and a half episodes in before I gave up. It's just so slow-paced, almost ponderously so, and yet despite that manages to not introduce any of its characters or its setting, leaving me confused, frustrated, and dissatisfied.

Also, I literally can't see anything that happens in the spaceship sections. The lighting is so terrible.


Literally Any Call of Duty Game.

Never played one. Probably never will.

But even if I did: What would I say about it in a review? It's Call of Duty, you all already know exactly what it's like. Do you like Call of Duty? Great, you'll probably enjoy Call of Duty. That is literally the entirety of what any review of any game in this series would be.

Not worth wasting a schedule slot over, honestly.

3 comments:

  1. I might, at the very least, try to watch more of The Expanse, but I still doubt it'll ever get a review.

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  2. I dunno, bro, I still have Call of Duty: Word at War. I could review that and you post it as a joke on the CoD: WWII release date?

    ReplyDelete