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Friday, 10 July 2015

Editorial: Top 5 Coolest Pokemon.

Editorial: Top 5 Coolest Pokemon.
(Not including legendaries.)

As I write this, it's half midnight and I have no post lined up for today. In an ideal world, I'd have watched all of Durarara!!x2 Shou by now and be able to review that, but as it is I'm less than halfway through. Casting about for an idea, I come upon that old standby: Pokemon. Everyone adores Pokemon, right? And with nearly seven-hundred Pokemon to choose from, I should be able to easily make a list of the coolest, right?

"No," my colleague cries, sipping their tea. "Do not do that thing. Nobody has ever done it before and lived." 

But I must. Because it's either this or the top five coolest Digimon, and Digimon are way cooler than Pokemon.

("You take that back," my colleague cries, drawing a switchblade from beneath their tea cosy.)

I'm not including legendaries or Mega Pokemon in this, as if I did, they'd make up the entirety of the list. So, without further ado, let's start with the fifth on this list, which is ... 

5. Ninetales.

("Ninetales," my colleague sobs, "are you testing me, Satan.")

Ninetales is genuinely cool, though. For starters, it's beautiful to look at - this elegant white fox dwarfed by its own tails, with the only splashes of colour being the tips of its tails and its eyes - and secondly, it's a fire type, which are ironically one of the coolest types.

The lore surrounding it only makes it more interesting. Based on a kitsune, pokedex entries describe how Ninetales was supposedly created when nine wizards and/or saints merged together into a single Pokemon. Other pokedex entries refer to its eyes shining with a sinister light, and to it being immortal and imbued of mysterious, mystical energies.

That's the kind of fascinating description almost always reserved for legendaries, which to be honest just makes me think that there should be a ghost/fire type evil Ninetales legendary. You know that would be awesome. C'mon. C'mon.

4. Tyrantrum.

("What do you think is the coolest Pokemon?" I ask.


"Well, I don't really want to include fossil - ..."

"Tyrantrum," my colleague repeats, gently covering my mouth and nose with clingfilm.)

Tyrantrum is undeniably the best of the fossil Pokemon, because it's a T-Rex, and if there's one thing that every single piece of media involving dinosaurs has taught us, it's that T-Rexi (T-Rexes? No, that's not how you pluralise that combination of Latin words, I think) are the best dinosaurs and everybody loves them.

What pushes Tyrantrum onto this list, though, is that it has feathers - that big white frill around its neck and the beard on its jaw are feathers, like actual dinosaurs actually had, which puts us all in the weird position where the Pokemon games, a series of games meant for very small children, are more scientifically accurate than Jurassic World.

I'm including the whole thing where Tyrantrum has an ability that enhances the power of its elemental bites, too, because T-Rexi could actually do that, and it's high time that Hollywood worked that into their dinosaur films.

3. Absol. 



According to pokedex entries, Absol has the ability to sense natural disasters and attempts to warn people of them, only to be decried as a bringer of doom. That's practically Byronic. In fact, that's pretty much the story of several Greek oracles, filtered through the works of Byron, and then filtered again through Nintendo.

Oft overlooked, Absol could give Ninetales a run for its money when it comes to Pokemon that are just starkly beautiful to look at, being a black and white cat-dog-horse-whatever type thing. It's also a Dark type, which is oddly one of the coolest types while still being functionally useless in battle a lot of the time.

You go, Absol. I'll never have you in my battle party, but I will admire you from afar.

2. Samurott.

("Yes, good. I like fighting types. They are the best types. Nice.")

Samurott is an otter who is also a samurai lord. Given how samurai work, it would have to have been born into this, but we should probably not spend too much time pondering how that would actually work. The pokedex entries don't say anything about its family situation, but what they do say is that it can draw its swords (yes, it has swords) and cut you up in the blink of an eye.

(Oddly, the swords are apparently scimitars, not katanas.)

Not to mention that Samurott is a fully evolved starter Pokemon, and they always tend to be the most powerful ones in your party anyway. Chances are that if you have a Samurott, they'll be the most useful Pokemon you have, so that's a thing.

1. Hydreigon.

("No, Murphy," my colleague said. "Nobody likes dragon-types. They are foolish and Dragonite looks - it looks silly. Such foolery.")

Hydreigon is one of my all time favourite Pokemon, because why wouldn't it be - it's a three headed dragon, for god's sake, that's literally three times as cool as a one-headed dragon. In many ways, Hydreigon combines what's awesome about the other Pokemon on this list: Like Ninetales it's mysterious, and like Tyrantrum it's dangerous, and like Absol it's dark-type.

In that last case, dark-type's general uselessness is rather mitigated by the fact that Hydreigon is also dragon-type, one of the most powerful types in the game, and since it evolves at such a high level, by the time you get it it will either be a much higher level than the rest of your team, or your entire team will literally be unstoppable juggernauts. 

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